CG'S joke of the day

[Champion_Gamer]

A judge asks a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a garbage man with a chain saw."

From the back of the courtroom a man shouts, "You lying bastard!"

"Silence in the court!" The judge turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."

"You tightwad!" blurts the spectator.

"Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."

"You cheap son of a... " the spectator starts to shout.

The judge thunders back, " I will hold you in contempt! What is the reason for your outbursts?"

"I've lived next to that lying bastard for 10 years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?"

:RVD

 

[Deleted User]

Eh.... alright.

 

[The NekoMancer]

+25% warned, for being boring.

 

[Champion_Gamer]

well i deserve it, i kinda suck

maybe this joke will redeem me lol

 

[Deleted User]

If he posts 1 joke a day for a full year I will make him a mod.

 

[Champion_Gamer]

An Aussie and a little man were sitting at a bar in Sydney when this huge, burly American guy walks in. As he passes the Aussie, he hits him on the neck knocking him to the floor.The big, burly Yank says,"That's a karate chop from Korea." Well, the Aussie gets back on his barstool and resumes drinking his beer.
The burly Yank then gets up to go to the bathroom and, as he walks by the Aussie, he hits him on the other side of the neck and knocks him to the floor."That's a judo chop from Japan", he says.
The Aussie decides he's had enough and leaves.A half hour later he comes back and sees the burly Yank bastard sitting at the bar. He walks up behind him and smacks him on the head, knocking
him out.
The Aussie says to the bartender, "When he wakes up mate, tell him that was a f*ckin' crowbar from Bunnings."

 

[Deleted User]

..... I don't get it.

 

[Champion_Gamer]

bunnings is a large hardware chain store in australia.......

 

[Deleted User]

Ah!

 

[Champion_Gamer]

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi:
"G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?"
Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Yeah, doin' all right."
Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food
and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Kiwi: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and
keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Kiwi: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Kiwi: (in a panic) " Don't believe a word he says, that sheep's a bloody liar.."

 

[Deleted User]

If you seriously do this for a year you are awesome.

Even if I don't respond for weeks at a time during school I will be checking this.

It's on.

 

[The NekoMancer]

ha!!!

 

[Champion_Gamer]

i quite like this joke,i also like the fact that bob hawke really did make this joke in public and that he did it in front of the indian high commissioner..........



Not long before he became Prime Minister of Australia, Bob Hawke told this joke to 700 people at a Melbourne dinner function;

The Indian PM Indira Gandhi was looking for a way to divert attention from the political and economical mess of her government and one of her staff suggested a national lottery. The idea was accepted, the lottery was organized and the whole of India bought tickets in the hope of winning one of the three mystery prizes.
The draw was done in a large stadium, watched by millions of people. First the third prize was drawn; a first class ticket around the world on Air India, the winner was pretty happy with this. Then the second prize was drawn; a fruit cake. The winner was not happy, he complained that the third prize was better, and normally one would expect the second to be larger than the third.
The compere explains; oh, but this is a special fruit cake, it was baked by Mrs. Gandhi!
To which the winner replies; F%#*! Mrs. Gandhi! The compere; oh no, that is first prize!
The Indian High Commissioner was not impressed.....

 

[Deleted User]

lelz

 

[PunkDEverliving]

How can these jokes be so corny yet so entertaining at the same time?
please, keep going..

 

[Champion_Gamer]

it's probably because most of the are Australian jokes, and our sense of humor is a little bit different from most folks


A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says,
"Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk.

 

[KG 24]

I'm only here to laugh at weird australian jokes and see how long this will go. And i'm getting a few good chuckles from these weird jokes.

 

[Champion_Gamer]

a slightly later joke of the day.............. more of a joke of the night



Bruce comes home from the pub and sees Sheila watching Gordon Ramsay's Fucking cooking show on the telly.
Bruce says; "What are you watching that shit for? You can't cook to save your life!."
To which Sheila replies; "So what? You watch porn movies, don’t you?"

---

Bruce came home late one night and Sheila says "Where in the hell have you been?" He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo." "A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?" "I got a hundred dollar bill on my dick," he said proudly. "What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain; "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his dick?" "Well, for one; I like to watch my money grow, and two; once in a while I like to play with my money, three; I like how money feels in my hand and lastly; instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want

 

[Deleted User]

Dude, you're seriously going to do this, aren't you?

I love you.

 

[KG 24]

I want that Bruce and Sheila relationship. Sounds like fun and smartassery.