This forum is closed for good. Expect new things to come.
In the mean time, I recommend you check the following places: VPW2 Freem, AKI Outsiders or MPire Mall Discord servers. If you really don't like Discord, there is the r/N64WrestlingGames subreddit, but there's no active development of mods/hacks there. Sean O'Connor's Youtube Channel is also recommended.
<blockquote class='quote\\_blockquote'><dl><dt>Quote:</dt><dd> </dd></dl><div>Dude, you're seriously going to do this, aren't you?[/quote]
yeah, I'm enjoying myself it's quite fun going through all these jokes
<blockquote class='quote\\_blockquote'><dl><dt>Quote:</dt><dd> </dd></dl><div>I want that Bruce and Sheila relationship. Sounds like fun and smartassery. [/quote]
funnily enough that's not that far fetched, of a joke people here have a tendency to rib each other daily
also fun fact "sheila" is slang for woman, so it's also very ocka word
anyway this next joke is a absolute classic
A bloke escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money, beer and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then goes into the bathroom.
While the man is in the bathroom, the husband tells the wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years... I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which the wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay,thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey, I love you too!!"Sheila walks into a pet shop to buy Bruce a birthday pressie.
She tells the owner, "I want to get my hubby a pet, but I only have $20. What do you have for that?"
The owner of the bizzo says, "Hmm. I only have pedigree animals here, but I think I have something in the back," and he disappears and returns with a bullfrog. He says, "This is no ordinary bullfrog, this bullfrog gives blowjobs."
Thinking the frog could save her a little work around the house, Sheila said, "Sold, mate!!"
She takes it home and gives it to Bruce, who had expected a slab of beer and he is not impressed.
She smiles and says, "This is no ordinary bullfrog - I'm going to leave you two alone and let you get to know each other."
About 45 minutes later, she hears pots and pans banging around in the kitchen, she runs in and yells, "What the F%&K! is going on here!?"
Bruce looks up from a cookbook and says, "If I can teach this frog how to cook too then you're f%&#ing outta here."
it's 8:30PM in OZ and i thought i better post another joke of the day.........
A woman awakes in the middle of the night to find her husband not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appears to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye.
"What's the matter dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night!?"
The husband looks up from his drink, "It's the 20th anniversary of the day we met."
She can't believe he has remembered. She starts to tear up.
The husband continues solemnly, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15."
Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.
"Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband pauses... the words were not coming easily.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued.
"Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?'"
"I remember that too," she replied softly...
He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today." Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'. Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. 'Damn' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face,
'Damn, 'Damn !'
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.
'By'Jeebers.... I'm a little crocked,' he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No damn' way'. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face He says ' Damn it ' and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?'
Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was really crocked But how'd you know?'
'Mick phoned . . . you left your wheelchair at the pub.'
so you get two jokes for the price of one today as one could be construed as offensive so if you want that one look in the spoiler if you don't, then don't look at the spoiler
the one phone call:
"Hi Mum, How are you?"
"Not bad mate, but where are you? I thought you were with your dad at Bunnings Hardware"
"Yeah we were, but I got arrested, and they've let me make one phone call"
"What happened?"
"Oh, I punched this black woman in the head."
"What on earth ~ why the f*#k did you do that ?????"
"Well it wasn't my fault. Dad told me to find a Black & Decker ."
Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson.
Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right welly followed by the left.
He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers .
Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay.
'What on earth are you doing Mick' says Paddy
'Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me' says an obviously embarrassed Mick, 'but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor . "[/SPOILER]
an olden but a goodie <big><big>Grandpa and the Australian Taxation Office</big></big><big><big>
The ATO decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to their office.
The ATO auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his lawyer.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the ATO finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's lawyer as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own lawyer moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the lawyer. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
The Deaf Italian Bookkeeper
<small><small><small><small>
</small></small></small></small>
<big>A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00
His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.
It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about"
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's houseâ€
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
Don't you just love lawyers?</big></big></big><big>
since today is a day of mourning I'm not going to post a joke, but in tribute to the legend that was simply one of the best......better than all the rest I'm going to post this R.I.P hot rod you will be missed
i love this one, my dad told me it a few years ago.......... DIARY OF A SCOT IN WESTERN AUSTRALIA
August 31 Just got transferred with work from Glasgow , Scotland to our new home in Karratha , Western Australia .
Now this is a town that knows how to live!
Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings.
I watched the sunset from a deckchair by our pool yesterday.
It was beautiful.
I've finally found my new home.
I love it here.
September 13
Really heating up now.
It got to 31 today.
No problem though.
Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car.
What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this.
I'm turning into a sun-worshipper - no blasted rain like back in Scotland !!
September 30
Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today.
Lots of palms and rocks.
No more mowing lawns for me!
Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
It's Paradise !
October 10
The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week.
How do people get used to this kind of heat?
At least today it's windy though.
Keeps the flies off a bit.
Acclimatizing is taking longer than we expected.
October 15
Fell asleep by the pool yesterday..
Got third degree burns over 60% of my body.
Missed three days off work.
What a dumb thing to do..
Got to respect the old sun in a climate like this!
October 20
- Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I left for work this morning.
By the time I got back to the car after work, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the upholstery.
The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat shit.
I've learned my lesson though: no more pets in this heat.
October 25
- This wind is a bastard.
It feels like a giant fucking blow dryer.
And it's hot as hell!
The home air conditioner is on the blink and the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to order parts from fucking Perth .....The wife & the kids are complaining.
October 30
- The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still haven't arrived for the fucking air conditioner.
House is an oven so we've all been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now.
Bloody $600,000 house and we can't even go inside.
Why the hell did I ever come here?
November 4
Finally got the fucking air-conditioner fixed. It cost $1,500 and gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it feel about 35.
Stupid repairman.
Fucking thief.
November 8
- If one more smart bastard says 'Hot enough for you today?'
I'm going to fucking throttle him.
Fucking heat!
By the time I get to work, the car radiator is boiling over, my fucking clothes are soaking fucking wet and I smell like baked cat.
Fucking place is the end of the Earth.
November 9
- Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the black leather upholstery in my car.
I thought my fucking arse was on fire.
I lost 2 layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and off my fucking arse.
Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and baked cat.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
November 10
-- The Weather report might as well be a fucking recording..
Hot and sunny.
Hot and sunny, Hot and fucking sunny.
It never fucking changes!
It's been too hot to do anything for 2 fucking months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.
Fuck!
November 15
- Doesn't it ever rain in this damn fucking place?
Water restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up and blow into the fucking pool.
The only things that thrive in this fucking hell-hole are the fucking flies.
You don't dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a dozen of the little bastards!
November 20
- Welcome to HELL!
It got to 45 fuckin' degrees today.
Now the air conditioner gone in my car.
The repair man came to fix it and said, 'Hot enough for you today?'
I wanted to shove the fucking car up his fucking arse.
Anyway, had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid prick.
Fucking Karratha!
What kind of sick, demented fucking idiot would want to live here!
December 1
- WHAT!!!! The FIRST day of Summer!!!!
You are fucking kidding me! the wife's affair
A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.
While en route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness because he suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act.
For $100, the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom.
The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!
The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money'
HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your Bulls season tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for your African tour and 4 x 4.
HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.
He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?
The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.'
so i'll admit this ones a little bit lame but i still got a smirk from it the church organist
Beatrice,
The church organist,
Was in her eighties
And had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness
And kindness.
One afternoon, the pastor
Came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter'
it's a joke of the night again
Three blokes were working on a high rise building project, Macca, Chook and Simmo. Chook falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Simmo says,"Someone should go and tell his wife." Macca says, "OK, I`m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, Macca comes back carrying a slab of VB. Simmo says,"Where did you get that, Macca?"
"Chook's missus gave it to me." "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she
gave you beer?" Macca says, "Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Chook`s widow."
She said, "No, I'm not a widow."
And I said, "Wanna bet me a slab"
another night time joke and this time it a image joke
A man walks into a crowded local bar in Darwin brandishing a revolver yelling, "Who's the bastard that's been screwing my wife?"
A voice from the back of the bar shouts back.
"You don't have enough ammo mate!!"
The Two Clever Nuns
There were two nuns
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL)
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to ****us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster. A little while later... SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down. Lawyers should never ask an old grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial in a small outback town the prosecutor called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman who had lived in the town all her life, to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense lawyer?'
She again replied, ' Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a big drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your missus, and one your daughter. Yes, I know him alright.'
The prosecutor nearly died.
The judge asked both prosecutor and defense lawyer to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you two bloody idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send the both of you to the electric chair.'
A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on the plane from Cairns to Perth.
That's a very long flight so in the end the lawyer decides to make some conversation and asks the blonde if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."
This catches the blonde's attention, and- to keep him quiet- she agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Airphone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.
After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
two for the price of one again today as the first one would probably be called sexist but it's still funny......yeah us Aussies are not politically correct, but at least we put shit on everyone including ourselves lol
Little Johnny asked his mother the following question:
'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at Johnny and replies:
'Son, this shows your friends and family that your bride is pure.'
Johnny thinks about it for a moment and goes off to double-check this with his father who is in the kitchen pulling another beer out of the fridge.
'Dad, why are wedding dresses white?'
The father looks at his son, looks around the kitchen and says:
Ya bloody idiot, can't you see that all household appliances come in white?
A bloke was in the bar and spotted a good looking sheila.
He made a few attempts to get her attention and was quite surprised when she turned around, looked him straight in the eye and she said, "Listen here mate, I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, .. . it doesn't matter to me. I've been screwing people ever since I got out of college and I just love it."
Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "No kidding. I'm in parliament too. What State are you from?"[/align][/SPOILER]
A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.
Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.
When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says:
'Well, that's great....that's just great....Some arsehole's got my pen!'
and a joke for all you married men
A bloke walks in to the Patent Office and says he has invented something that he wants to patent.
The clerk at the counter asks; so what new invention do you have that you wish to register?
The bloke says; something that will save weight in your eski. An ice block with a hole in it!
Too late to register that as new mate, replies the clerk, I have been married to one of those for 15 years!
well I've been a bit sick of late but here's another joke of the day..... well it's still the 13th in some parts of Australia
Sheila is in the pub having a coupla beers with a mate.
When asked about her ring Sheila replies; Bruce bought it for me, he thought it would be handy as the stone shows what mood I am in.
When I'm in a good mood, the stone turns into a beautiful emerald green.
When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big bloody red mark on his fucking forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.and where back with another joke of the day, i think this one is pretty funny.......... Bruce will also be featured in tomorrows joke..... so stay tuned
Bruce and Sheila wanted to join the church's local parish.
The priest told them, We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from sex for one whole month.'
Bruce moaned about the idea of not getting a root for a whole month but Sheila insisted that they could do it.
So they agreed, but after only two-and-a-half weeks they returned to the church.
When the priest ushered them into his office, Sheila was crying and Bruce was obviously very depressed….
'You are back so soon...Is there a problem?' the priest enquired.
We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month.' Bruce replied sadly.
The priest calmly asked him what happened.
'Well, the first week was difficult…. however, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we still managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, watching live Parliamentary sittings, prayer, reading from the Bible....anything to keep our minds off Carnal Thoughts……. then one afternoon Sheila reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just rooted her right then and there. I absolutely shagged her brains out for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat,' admitted Bruce, shamefacedly.
The priest lowered his head and said sternly, 'You understand this means you will not be welcome here at our parish.'
'We know.' said Bruce, hanging his head, 'and they told us the same thing at Bunnings.'
and as promised here is the joke of the day....................... and yes it has Bruce, this thread seriously needs more Bruce lol anyway enough rambling time for the joke....also if you get my attempt at a pun then you're a legend
Bruce was on a flight from Sydney to Darwin to go to the annual Beercan Regatta.
Shortly after the plane had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:
'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking.
Welcome to this flight, non-stop from Sydney to Darwin. The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and...."AAAARGH!!! OH, MY GOD!!!! !" Silence followed!
Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom. 'Ladies and gentlemen, my apologies, while I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'
After which Bruce yelled out... 'For f*#k's sake mate....... you should see the back of mine!!!'
and it's time for another joke of the day, now with extra Bruce.........
Bruce has become mates with a Japanese student that rents the flat next door.
He goes to visit him in hospital after the poor guy has had a traffic accident. When he enters the room he is a bit shocked by all the bandages, equipment and hoses that surrounds the poor Jap who can't even move in the midst of all this. Bruce just stands there silently watching his neighbour when suddenly the guy's open wide, look at him and he shouts ' SAKARO AOTA NAKAMY ANYOBA, SUSHI MASHUTA !!!!!! Then some convulsions follow and he dies. Bruce goes home in shock and the last words of his beloved neighbour are etched in his mind.
When he attends the funeral the next week he approaches the mother of his dead friend and neigbour and after comforting her with her loss he says; his last words in hospital to me were "sakaro aota nakamy anyoba sushi mashute" , I would like to know what he told me, can you tell me what that means?
The mother looked at him in shock and fainted, and another Japanese relative stepped in and said;
he told you: YOU'RE STANDING ON MY OXYGEN HOSE YOU F%#KING IDIOT!!!! The most politically correct joke ever!
In today's day and age you can't poke fun at a particular ethnicity or minority, so here we deal with all of them!
An Aboriginal, a Pom, an overweight Yank, a NZ Maori, a Kiwi, a Tasmanian disabled person, an elderly person from Latvia, a Swedish blonde, a German, an Italian, a drunk Irishman, a Pole, a Greek, an Indian, a Canadian politician, an Afro-American, a Mexican, a Dutchman, an arrogant Frenchman, a Brazillian, an Ethiopian, a Turk, a Jap, a Chinaman, a Russian, an Indonesian, a Malaysian, a Cambodian, a Birmese and a Vietnamese all went together to an upmarket nightclub.
The bouncer said, sorry guys, I can't let you in without a Thai.
Two priests are in a bathroom using the urinals. One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicoderm patch on it. He laughs and says,'I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis.' The other one replies, 'It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day.'
two jokes today as there both pretty short
Robbo is in bed with a blind sheila that he picked up at the pub.
She said that's the biggest dong I ever laid my hands on.
Robbo replies; "You're pulling my leg"
Davo spent $130.- on Ebay for a penis enlarger.
He was well pissed off when the package arrived the next week and all it contained was a magnifying glass! Morning after the Bucks night.
Bruce woke up with a killer hangover after attending his best mate's bucks night. He didn't even remember how he got home. He looked at the clock and it was 11.30.
What day is it? Thursday.. His missus must have gone to work.
As he struggled into consciousness through the fog of a pounding headache, his stomach plummeted as he wondered what the hell he did last night..
He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a little vase of sweet peas, freshly picked from the garden.
He sat up. The bedroom was clean and tidy, - there was no trail of drunkenly abandoned clothes, fresh air was coming in through the window and all was serene. He stumbled to the bathroom, also pristine, and, squinting gingerly into the mirror, saw that he had a black eye. This was not a good sign, but no memories were returning.
As he concentrated hard on getting the world into focus, he saw a post-it note stuck on the corner of the mirror. It was written in red, with little hearts on it and a kiss from his missus.
'I'll ring your boss and tell them you won't be in today. Breakfast is in the oven. Try to eat something and go back to bed for the morning.
There's cricket on TV this afternoon. Take it easy today, hope your eye doesn't hurt too much. See you tonight. I love you, darling! Love,
Sheila. x '
He stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the newspaper. His teenaged son was sitting at the table, eating.
Bruce, bracing himself, asked his son what happened the previous night.
Well, you came home after 3 A.M., pissed as a parrot and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you vomited in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door. '
Confused, Bruce asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order, aspirins by the bed, a nice note from Mum and breakfast waiting for me?'
His son replied, 'Oh THAT!... Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed,
'Leave me alone you slapper..., I'm married!!'
Broken Coffee Table $250
Hot Breakfast$3.50
Two Aspirins 20 cents
Saying the right thing, at the right time......PRICELESS
A bloke walks into a bar with his pet crocodile.
The bartender screams and demands he get the man eating creature out of there!
The bloke tries to calm the bartender down and says he is very well trained to prove it he whipped out his cock and put it in the crocodile's mouth, then he hit the crocodile over the head with a rake and after a few good smacks he pulls it out and shows the bar tender,"Look, no marks."The bartender is still unsure so the bloke asks..."Would anyone else like to try?" The bar is quiet but a blonde in the corner stands up and says..."I will but don't smack me so hard on the head with the fuckin rake!"One sunny morning Queensland Premier Anna Bligh was driving through a farming district in her chauffeured car.
As they came around a bend in the road an old cow standing on the road could not get out of the way quick enough and they hit the poor animal that was sent flying.
Anna was not pleased and told the driver to get out and check on the cow.
The driver returned and said she's dead....
Anna said well you were driving so it's all your fault so you go and tell the farmer!
The driver trotted off on his way to the farmhouse on top of the hill while Anna stayed in the car and jotted down some ideas in her car on how to scrap a few more things like solar power subsidy to save some money.
At some point she realized that the driver had gone for considerable time and she became very impatient.
Finally, as it was getting dark the driver came staggering down the road, reached the car and fell in his seat and the smell of alcohol filled the car. WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN ALL THIS TIME!!!? Anna demanded to know.
The driver replied;well, first it was a long hard slog up the hill to the farmhouse so I was a bit out of breath when I got there.
I said to the farmer; Hello, I'm Anna Bligh's driver. We just had a little accident and I killed the old cow.....
And then he just wouldn't let me go, he pulled out his best bottles of whiskey, he started filling glasses, his wife cooked me a fantastic meal and his daughter shagged me senseless!IT'SSSS TIIMMME!!!!!........ Bruce got a job with the local newspaper and had to write the advice column, this was his first week;
Dear Bruce,
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual.
I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt.
I walked back home to get my husband's help.
When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes.
He was in the bedroom, dressed in my lingerie with our neighbour Robbo making mad passionate love to him.
I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years.
When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and they decided to have a beer together and things got a little out of hand.
When I asked him why he had my lingerie on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for six months.
I told him to stop or I would leave him.
He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless.
I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant.
I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Susie Fox
Dear Susie,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults.
Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the clips holding the vacuum lines onto the inlet manifold for air leaks.
If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber
I hope this helps.
Bruce
Bruce was told by his doctor that he needed a prostate test.
He was a bit embarrassed to go get this done locally in his little outback town where everybody knows eachother so he thought I'll get it done in Thailand on my holidays while I am getting my teeth fixed too.
The Thai hospital had some beautiful nurses and Bruce was happy he had come here to get this embarrassing procedure done instead of back home.
As is usual for this procedure he was asked to strip off, he lay naked on his side on the bed and the nurse began the examination.
"At this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection" said the nurse.
"No mate, I haven't got an erection" said Bruce.
"No, but I have" replied the nurseAn old bloke in Ballarat owned a large farm.
The farm had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old bloke decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young sheilas skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the sheilas aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the sheilas shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave, you dirty old bastard!'
The old bloke frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you sheilas swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the crocodile...'
Some old blokes can still think fast....
well another Wednesday and another joke of the day, i thought this joke was pretty funny
A family was driving behind a rubbish truck when a large dildo flies out and hits the windscreen. To hide her embarrassment the mother turns and says to her young kids "my what a big insect", to which her 7 year old says, "I'm surprised it could fly with a dick that size". so today yet again you get two jokes for the price of one a cleaner joke, and a racist joke, which imo is funny but that's just because well i'm Australian, because we take the piss out of everyone this joke while being slightly racist also take the piss out of the fact that where apparently racist anyway if anyone if offend by this joke then i apologise, that is not it's intended purposes it is a light hearted joke and is meant as such
While waiting to finalise their Australian residental status, two Afghanistani men start chatting. As they part, they agree to meet in a years time and see who has adapted better to the Australian way of life.
True to their word, they meet after the year is up. The first says to the second, "We have integrated so well...yesterday, I ate a meat pie and drank a VB while watching my son play Aussie rules, and we own a Holden VK Commodore."
The second man replies "Fuck off, ya towelhead."
so this ones a old one but a good one...........
Darren Lockyer, the Pope, John Howard & a school boy were all on the same plane when the engine failed and started to plummet towards the Earth. They all realised that there was 4 of them & only 3 parachutes. Darren Lockyer got up & said I am a sporting superstar & must live so that I can please my fans & continue my career to beat the Kiwi's & the Poms in the tri- nations series. So he grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane. Then John Howard got up and said I am the smartest Prime Minister Australia has ever have and I need to live to continue to govern the nation. Then the Pope said to the school boy & said I am old & have lived my life so you should take the last parachute. The school boy replied, no it's ok, the worlds smartest Prime Minister took my school bag so theres one for each of us!My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I out rank you. Tray-up, Bitch."A Jackeroo rides into town after months of rustling. He ties the horse out the front of the pub, dusts off his pants, and then walks around to the back of the horse and runs his lips along the crack of the horses ass. He heads into the bar, and asks the barmen for a glass of beer. The barmen says, "Listen mate, can I just ask why you ran your lips along the crack of your horses ass ?".He replies, "I've got chapped lips".The barmen replies, "does that cure them ?". The jackeroo replies, "no but it sure stops me licken 'em".The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called 'Mate Match'. The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers'yes',he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.
The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with (phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.
One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet.
Anyway, here's how it all went down:
DJ: 'Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?'
Contestant: (laughing) 'Yes, I have.'
DJ: 'Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win.
What is your name? First only please.'
Contestant: 'Brian.'
DJ: 'Brian, are you married or what?'
Brian: (laughing nervously) 'Yes, I am married.'
DJ: 'Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please.'
Brian: 'Sara.'
DJ: 'Is Sara at work, Brian?'
Brian: 'She is gonna kill me.'
DJ: 'Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?'
Brian: (laughing) 'Yes, she's at work.'
DJ: 'Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?'
Brian: 'About 8 o'clock this morning.'
DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) 'Well...'
DJ: 'Question #2 - How long did it last?'
Brian: 'About 10 minutes.'
DJ: 'Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake.'
Brian: 'Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.'
DJ: 'Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?
Brian: (laughing hard) 'I, ummm, I, well...'
DJ: 'This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?'
Brian: 'Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for couple of weeks...'
DJ: 'Uh huh...'
Brian: '...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.'
DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'
Brian: 'On the kitchen table.'
DJ: 'Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it.
Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up.
You listen to this.'
[3 minutes of commercials follow. ]
DJ: 'Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?' (Touch tones.....ringing....)
Clerk: 'Kinkos.'
DJ: 'Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?'
Clerk: 'This is she.'
DJ: 'Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.'
Sarah: (laughing) 'A couple of hours?'
DJ: 'Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give anyanswers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?'
Sarah: 'No.'
DJ: 'Good!'
Brian: (laughing)
Sarah: (laughing) 'Brian, what the hell are you up to?'
Brian: (laughing) 'Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest.'
DJ: 'Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.
Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'
DJ: 'Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?'
Sarah: 'Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work.'
DJ: 'What time?'
Sarah: 'Around 8 this morning.'
DJ: 'Very good. Next question. How long did it last?'
Sarah: '12, 15 minutes maybe.'
DJ: 'Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect is manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?'
Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'
DJ: 'Where did you have it?'
Sarah: 'OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?'
Brian: 'Just tell him, honey.'
DJ: 'What is bothering you so much, Sarah?'
Sarah: 'Well...'
DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?
Sarah: 'Up the arse.....'
They had to call an ambulance for the DJ he thought he was going to have a heart attack, he could not stop laughing. Apparently there was an unusually high call out of the Sydney Police just after this conversation, for minor traffic collisions.A Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai.
He buys a small piece of land near to Mt Isa.
A few days after moving in the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region, so he goes next door, but on his way up the drive-way, he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens.
Not wanting to interrupt these "Chinese customs", he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.
The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it.
Not wanting to interrupt another "Chinese custom" he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.
A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a cow down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the cow's bum.
The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says "Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbour hood, and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass, and drinking it and then today you have your head so close to that cow's bum, it could just about shit on you."
The Chinese man is very taken back and says "Sorry sir, you do not understand; these aren't Chinese customs I am performing, but Australian customs."
"What do you mean mate" says the Aussie, "Those aren't Australian customs."
"Yes they are", replied the Chinese man, "for you see, in order for me to become a true Australian, I must chase chicks, drink piss, and listen to bull-shit"[/align]
it's time it's joke time.......
A kiwi was attenting a test cricket match In australia (Aus vs. Kiwi), and was feeling a little crook so he went to see and Aussie Dr. The Dr. said that he had some bad news and that he would have to remove his testicles. The kiwi said ay, no mate na get stuffed. So he went for a second opinion from another Australian dr. He said the same thing and the same reaction came from the Kiwi. So he went to the test match and decided to go get a third opion from a kiwi dr. He said, Na no good mate, we gonna have ta chop ya balls off. The kiwi then said, thank God for that, them Aussie dr. wanted to remove my test tickets!
Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and piss down me leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL Wakes Up, and Yells at me for staying out so late! "His mate looks at him and says "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, piss hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw me shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say!, WHO'S HORNY????!!!" and she acts like she's sound asleep. It Works Every Time!!A blonde was admitted to hospital today after having phone sex. Doctors managed to remove 2 Nokias, 3 Motorolas and one Samsung, but no Siemen was found !
A young woman, down on her luck, decided to end it all one night by casting herself into the cold, dark waters of Sydney Harbour. As she stood on the edge of the dock, pondering her fate, a young sailor noticed her as he strolled by. "You're not thinking of jumping, are you?" he jokingly asked. "Yes, yes I am." replied the sobbing girl.
Putting his arm around her, the kind sailor coaxed her back from the edge, "Look, nothing's worth that. I tell you what, I'm sailing off for Europe tomorrow. Why don't you stow away on board and start a new life over there. I'll set you up in one of the lifeboats on the deck, bring you food and water every night, and I'll look after you if you 'look after' me." The girl, having no better prospects agreed and the sailor snuck her on board that night. For the next 3 weeks the sailor would come to her lifeboat every night, bringing food and water and making love to her until dawn. Then, during the fourth week, the captain was performing a routine inspection of the ship & it's lifeboats. He peeled back the cover to find the startled young woman and demanded an explanation. The young woman came clean; "I've stowed away to get to Europe. One of the sailors is helping me out, he set me up in here and brings me food and water every night, and, and.......he's screwing me."
The puzzled captain stared at her for a moment before a small grin cracked
his face and he replied; "He sure is darlin', this is the Manly Ferry!An Australian university has named two scholarships after executed drug smugglers Andrew Chan and Myuran Sukumaran.
Whatever next, the Rolf Harris Scholarship for Child Care?
Rolf Harris has gone from Australian icon to disgraced pariah in a matter of months.
I doubt it'll be the start of a trend, though. If anyone was ever touched up by Kylie as a child, I doubt they'd be rushing to complain about it.
A litle bit of advice to assylum seekers who are heading to Australia: you'll find the Australians far more accepting if you come off your boat in chains...<span style="color:#090">
<span style="display:block;text-align:center"><span style="color:#80a0ff"><span style="font-family:Verdana">A Muslim was seated next to an Australian on a flight from Hong Kong to Sydney, Australia.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Aussie asked for a rum and coke, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Muslim if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores and my head stuffed up a sheeps arsehole than let liquor touch my lips."
The Aussie handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I didn't know we had a choice."</span></span>
<span style="background-color:#090"><span style="color:#fe0"><span style="font-family:Times New Roman">Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zulland, is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone.
"Hillen, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word thet the Durex fectory en Auckland has burned to the ground. It is istimated thet the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week."
PM: "Shut - the economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted babies - wi'll be ruined!"
Hilth Munister: "We're going to hef to shup some in from abroad... Brutain?..."
PM: "No chence!! The Poms will have a field day on thus one!"
Hilth Munister: "What about Australia?"
PM: "Maybe - but we don't want them to know thet we are stuck."
Hilth Munister: "You call John Howard - tell hum we need one moollion condoms; ten enches long and eight enches thuck! That way they'll know how bug the Kiwis really are!!"
Helen calls John, who agrees to help the Kiwis out in their hour of need.
Three days later a plane arrives in Auckland - full of boxes.
A delighted Hillen rushes out to open the boxes. She finds condoms; 10 unches long; 8 unches thuck, all coloured green and gold. She then notices in small writing on each and ivery one.........
MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE : MEDIUM</span></span></span>
<span style="color:#9300C4"><span style="font-family:Times New Roman">A Kiwi walks into a Sydney unemployment office.
He marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi! I want to apply for the dole, I hate being on welfare and I'd much rather have a job but I have looked everywhere and just can't find any."
The clerk behind the Centrelink desk says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who needs a chauffeur/bodyguard for his two twin 21 year old nymphomaniac daughters. You'll have to drive them around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. You'll have a three-bedroom apartment above the garage. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort his daughters on their frequent overseas holidays to Tahiti and the Bahamas. The starting salary is $250,000 a year".
The Kiwi says, "No way mate, you gotta be bullshitting me!"
The Centrelink officer says, "Yeah, well, you started it".</span></span>
<span style="color:#000">Why are Aussies so good at batting in cricket?
It's the only game they could master wearing handcuffs.
It was April and the Aborigines in a remote part of Northern Australia asked their new elder if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was an elder in a modern community, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the tribe should collect firewood to be prepared.
After several days he had an idea. He walked out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the Bureau of Meteorology and asked, 'Is the coming winter in this area going to be cold?'
The meteorologist responded, 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold.'
So the elder went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.
A week later he called the Bureau of Meteorology again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'
The meteorologist again replied, 'Yes, it's going to be a very cold winter.'
The elder again went back to his community and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later the elder called the Bureau again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?' he asked.
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever.'
'How can you be so sure?' the elder asked.
The weatherman replied, 'Our satellites have reported that the Aborigines in the north are collecting firewood like crazy, and that's always a sure sign.'</span>
<span style="color:#ee4a2d">A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin. Truth be told, he is none too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring: "My darring" he says, "I know dis you fus time and you berry frighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you wan, I do anyting jus anyting you wan, you say. Whatchou wan?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride. A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly for her request.
She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I wanna ... numba 69."
More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries.........
"You want... Beef wif Bwoccori?" </span>
<span style="color:#fb8a00">To make him feel more at home, the governor at Wandsworth prison gave Rolf Harris his Great-Grandfather's uniform to wear.
Australia is constantly advertising for 'skilled migrants'.
How much more skilled could you be than an Indonesian who manages to navigate a tin bath three thousand miles?
Yesterday, I saw a cricket bat and then I watched a goldfish bowl. To be fair, they were both miles better than those Australians.</span></span>[/SPOILER]
A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."
The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"
Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.
Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.
“Olympic condoms?â€, she blurts, “What makes them so special?â€
“There are three colorsâ€, he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.â€
“What color are you going to wear tonight?â€, she asks cheekily.
“Gold of courseâ€, says the man proudly.
The wife responds wryly, “Why don’t you wear Silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change.â€
Frank was getting ready to go on a trip to New York for the first time, and was talking to his friend Bill.
Bill: “While you are in New York, there is a bar that you have to go to. When you walk through the front door, you are handed a free drink. Then you can go to the back room and get laid. Come back up to the bar, and you get another free drink. Then you can get laid again. It goes on like this all night.â€
Frank: “That sounds unbelievable. Have you really been there?â€
Bill: “No, but my sister has.â€
First Condom
“I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.
I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.
She fainted.â€
it's a image joke today i don't do them often as i feel it's a bit of a cheat but this one as funny enough to stand on it's own
An American businessman is entertaining some overseas business guests on the golf course.
The first guest, who is from Italy, tees off and hits a good shot 200 yards down the fairway. As the American businessman knows a small amount of Italian he says: “Buon tiroâ€, which means “Good shotâ€. The Italian businessman replies: “Grazieâ€.
The second guest, who is from France, tees off and hits a fantastic shot that lands on the green thirty feet from the hole. As the American businessman knows a small amount of French he says: “Tir fantastiqueâ€, which means “Fantastic shotâ€. The French businessman replies: “Merciâ€.
The third guest, who is from Japan, tees off and amazingly the ball goes straight in the hole, a hole in one! The American businessman doesn’t know many Japanese words or phrases but when he dated a Japanese girl during his overseas business trips she used to moan when he made love to her and she would shout out “Ura-ana, ura-anaâ€, and which he repeats to his Japanese guest. The Japanese businessman replies: “What do you mean, wrong hole?â€The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.
Mike asks if Mars has a stock-market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. “Just how do you guys do it?†asks Maureen.
“Pretty much the way you do,†responds the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He’s got only a teeny, weeny member about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
I don’t think this is going to work,†says Maureen. “Why?†he asks, “What’s the matter?†“Well,†she replies, “It’s just not long enough to reach me!â€
“No problem,†he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it’s quite impressively long.
“Well,†she says, “That’s quite impressive, but it’s still pretty narrow…â€
“No problem,†he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
“Wow!†she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks “Well, was it any good?†“I hate to say it,†says Maureen, “but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?â€
“It was horrible,†he replies. “All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.â€
nearly forgot to do the joke of the day today.....
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?â€
The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there are three kinds of Boobs. In her 20′s, a woman’s are like melons, round and firm. In her 30′s to 40′s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.â€
“Onions?â€
“Yes, you see them and they make you cry.â€
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, “Mum, how many kinds of ‘willies’ are there?â€
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, “Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20′s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30′s and 40′s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50′s, it is like a Christmas Tree.â€
“A Christmas tree?â€
“Yes – the root’s dead and the balls are just for decoration.â€A man walks into a bar and sees a guy with a really big lighter. He asks the man, “Where did you get such a big lighter?â€
The man replies,â€See that man playing piano over there? He’s a genie and he’ll grant you one wish.â€
So the guy walks over to the genie and says, “I wish for a million bucks.†All of a sudden the room fills up with a million ducks.
The man walks over to the guy with the lighter and says, “That genie is a little hard of hearing isn’t he.â€
The guy replies, “No kidding! You think I asked for a 14 inch Bic!â€Two men were shipwrecked on an island. They decided to venture inland to see if they could find someone. The men came across a village in the middle of a jungle, immediately they were surrounded by a tribe of islanders.
The chief walks to the men and says, †What do you choose, Death or Boogaloo?†The first man thinks for a second and replies, “I choose Boogalooâ€.
The chief smiles and the tribe begins to chant “boogaloo, boogaloo, boogalooâ€. The chief takes the man, bends him over and f**ks him up the ***.
The second man is horrified at what he has just witnessed and then the chief walks up to him and asks, “You must choose, Death or Boogaloo�
The man thinks he would rather die than have boogaloo, so he replies, “I choose deathâ€.
The tribe roars in ecstasy and the chief yells, “Death by boogaloo!!!â€One night a little girl walks in on her parents having sex. The mother is going up and down on the father and when she sees her daughter looking at them she immediately stops.
“What are you doing, Mommy?†The mother too embarassed to tell her little girl about sex so she makes up an answer.
“Well, sweetie, sometimes daddy’s tummy gets too big so I have to jump up and down on it to flatten it out.â€
The little girl replies, “Well, mommy you really shouldn’t bother with that.â€
The mother has a confused look on her face, “Why do you say that sweetheart?â€
The little girl replies, “Because mommy, everytime you leave in the morning, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up.â€A guy needed a horse, so he went to a temple and got one. Before he left, the priest told him that it was a special horse. In order for it to go, he would say “Thank God†and for it to stop he would have to say “Amenâ€.
So the guy went, and a few minutes later he dozed off on his horse. A few hours later, he woke up and was going off the edge of a cliff. So he shouted “Amen!†and the horse stopped a few inches from the edge.
“Whew,†he said. “Thank God.â€Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.
The doctor said, “Well, you need three things from a do it yourself shop. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint… and a shovel.â€
Paddy asked, “And what do I do with these, doc?â€
The doctor replied, “Before the wedding night, you paint one of your testicles red and the other one blue. If she says, ‘That’s the strangest pair of balls I ever saw.’, you hit her with the shovel.â€
Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch. “Did you get that for your birthday?†– asked Johnny.
“Nope.†– replied Jimmy. “Well, did you get it for Christmas then?â€
Again Jimmy said “Nope.†“You didn’t steal it, did you?†– asked Johnny.
“No,†said Jimmy. “I went into Mom and Dad’s bedroom the other night when they were ‘doing the nasty’. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me.â€
Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy’s new watch. He vowed to get one for himself. That night, he waited outside his parents’ bedroom until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking.
Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and said angrily. “What do you want now?†“I wanna watch,†Johnny replied.
Without missing a stroke, his father said, “Fine. Stand in the corner and watch, but keep quiet.â€
another image joke... i thought it was pretty good
A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.
Her mom calmly said, “That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair.†…. the girl smiled.
At dinner, she told her sister, “My monkey has grown hair.â€
Her sister smiled and said, “That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas.â€Guy: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: Sorry, but alcohol is bad for my legs.
Guy: Do they swell?
Girl: No. They spread.
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all die. In order to get into heaven though, they must go up 100 steps, each containing a joke. The trick is that they must not laugh.
The brunette goes first and laughs at the first step and is sent to hell. The redhead goes next and makes it to the seventh step before she laughs.
Finally, it’s the blondes turn. She gets all the way to the 99th step before she laughs. God asks her, “You were so close, why did you laugh?†and she responds, “I just got the first joke!â€A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, “PULL OVER!â€
“NO!†the blonde yelled back, “IT’S A SCARF!â€
One day a blonde felt like being a rebel, so she decided that she would drink and drive.
She found a cop car in the parking lot of a donut shop, so she started to drive around, circling the cop car.
After about 10 minutes of driving round and round she got fed up, so she parked the car, got out and walked over to the cop car, looked at the cop and said, “Aren’t you going to arrest me?â€
The cop asked, “why?â€
She replied, “Cause I was drinking and driving!â€
The cop looked at her in bewilderment and answered, “We can’t arrest you if you’re driving while drinking… water!â€
:RVD :RVD :RVD :RVD A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!" "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush,something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls." With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says... "You idiot!" "You're sitting on the mop bucket! Little Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher. She says, "Hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class remember it has an "r" after the first letter." The entire class says, "Hello Mrs. Prussy." A few days later the regular teacher is still sick when Little Johnny gets to his desk the teacher asks what her name is. Johnny thinks hard and the says to the teacher, "I remember it has an "r" after the first letter." "That's right!" she coaxed. Then after a few seconds Little Johnny says, "Mrs. Crunt?" A knight and his men returned to their castle after a hard day of fighting. "How are we faring?" asked the king. "Sire!" replied the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies to the west." "What?" shrieked the king, "I don't have any enemies to the west!" "Oh!" said the knight, "Well, you do now."
A market researcher called at a house and his knock was answered by a young woman with three small children running around her. He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and she agreed. He asked her if she knew his company,Cheeseborough-Ponds. When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product. When asked if she used it, the answer was "Yes." Asked how she used it, she said, "To assist sexual intercourse." The interviewer was amazed. He said, "I always ask that question because everyone uses our product and they always say they use it for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge; but I know that most use it for sexual intercourse. Since you've been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?" "Yes, we put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out." First Lady Hillary Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno were having one of those girl to girl talks. Hillary says to Janet, "You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his pecker." Janet responded. "Just because I am considered ugly, doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances." Hillary asks, "Well how do you deal with the problem?" Janet: "Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest, fart I can." And believe me, that takes the wind out of his sails, so to speak! Hillary was impressed and thank the General for her sage advice and hurried home. Well, that night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary headed for bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and was ready for him. She tenses up her butt cheeks and forces out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine. Bill rolls over and says, "Is that you Janet?."
Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the guy with Doberman said to his friend, "Let's go over to that bar and get something to drink." The guy with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead." They walked over to the bar and the guy with the Doberman puts on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed." The man with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog." The bouncer said, "A Doberman pinscher?" The man said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good." The bouncer said, "Come on in." The buddy with the Chihuahua figured what the heck, so he put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. He knew his would be more unbelievable. Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." The man with the Chihuahua said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog." The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?" The man with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a fucking Chihuahua?" A boy just takes his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?" "What? You're crazy!" "Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem..." "No! Someone may see - a relative, a neighbor..." "At this time of the night no one will show up." "I've already said NO, and NO." "Honey, it's just a small blowie... I know you like it too." "NO!!! I've said NO!!!" "My love... don't be like that.." At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in nightgown with her hair totally in disorder, rubbing her eyes and says, "Dad told you to blow, or that I must blow, or he will come down and blow himself, but for Christ's sake to tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom." The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see", 'Yes, go on' and 'I understand.' 'How did you feel about that?'" The new priest practices, saying these phrases. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No shit?!? What happened next?'" A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no," you're gripping the club way too hard!" "Well, what should I do?" asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway.The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard." "What can I do?" asks the wife."Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis." The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway . . . about 15 ft. "That was great,"the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing the club like you're supposed to!" says the pro. The Smith's were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. They had included Senators and Wall Street wizards. They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose -- how to handle that great-uncle George, who was executed in the electric chair. The author said he could handle the story tactfully. The book appeared. It said, "Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock." A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; his wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a nap. The wife, to escape her snoring husband, decided to take the boat out. Since she was not familiar with the lake, she rowed out to the middle, anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along came the sheriff in his boat. He pulled up alongside and said, "Good morning, ma'am. What are you doing here?" "Reading a book," she replied, thinking, "Is this guy blind or what?" "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her. "But, Officer, I'm not fishing. You can see that, surely." "But you have all the equipment, ma'am. I'll have to write you up." "If you do that, I will charge you with rape," returned the irate woman. "But I haven't even touched you," the sheriff objected. "That's true; but you have all the equipment." THE MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. Two midgets go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first midget, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of, "ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long. In the morning, the second midget asks the first, "How did it go?" The first whispered back, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a hard-on." The second midget shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?" he said. "I couldn't even get on the fucking bed" Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time." The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis......fifty times" As a hooker was dressing, she turned to her customer and asked, "Have you just gotten out of prison?" "Yeah," the guy replied. "How did you guess? Is it because I wanted to have sex from the rear?" "Partly." She said. "But more because when we finished, you ran around in front of me, bent over, and shouted, 'YOUR TURN.'" :cbv2: :lol:
