Tyrone asked his work buddy Robert one morning, "Man, why you always so damn happy when you come to work every day?" Robert replied, "That's because I make love to my wife every morning before work." Amazed, Tyrone asked him how he gets his wife to make love to him every morning. "That's easy," Robert said. "I just tell her this little poem that I made up. She loves it! It goes like this: Blonde hair, blonde hair, eyes so blue, I love waking up and making love to you!" Tyrone was all like, "Man, you white guys is so dang sentimental an' shit...." But he decided it wouldn't hurt to give it a try, so he spent the rest of the day thinking up a poem for his wife. The next day Tyrone showed up to work just all beat to hell; bruised eyes, broken nose, fat lip, the works. Robert asked, "Man, what happened to you?!" Tyrone said, "I don't know, man. I went home and tried your advice, that's all. I just told her a poem...." "Well, what poem did you tell her?" Tyrone told him: "Nappy head, nappy head, eyes like a frog, If I could roll your fat ass over, I'd do you like a dog!"
point taken no more colours
One day during the family lunch the youngest son Paul asks his father:
- Daddy, what is the difference between potential and reality?
Daddy turns to his wife and gives her a question:
- Would you sleep with George Clooney for 1 million $?
- Certainly, I would never waste such opportunity, - tells the wife
Daddy turns to his teenage daughter:
- Maria, would you sleep with Brad Pitt for 1 million $?
- Surely! He is my fantasy, his posters are all over the walls of my room.
Daddy turns to his eldest son Raul and asks:
- Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for 1 million $!
Eldest son thinks a little and replies:
- Why not? Imagine what I could do with that money. So yes, I would sleep.
Then daddy turns back to his youngest son Paul and explains him:
- You see, Paul, potentially we are sitting with multi millionaires but in reality we are sitting with two prostitutes and one gay…
Three daughters
a mother who had three virgin daughters. All got married at almost the same time and went on their honeymoons. The mother was very worried about the beginning of their sexual life, and asked them to send her at least a few words how it's going.
The first one sent a postcard from Hawaii, just after two days after the wedding. On top of it there was just one word: "Nescafe". Her mother ran into the kitchen, find a coffee "Nescafe" and read on the label: "Blessing" until the last drop". Mother blushed, but was satisfied with her daughter's happiness.
The second daughter sent the postcard from Jamaica a few days later, where she read "Benson n Hedges" cigars. She immediately went to the man's room, where she found his "Benson Hedges" and read "Extra Long cigars. King Size". She again shyly blushed, but was happy for her daughter.
The third daughter went off for the honeymoon to Caribbean. Mother was waiting for
the week – nothing. Week later - nothing again. Only a month later finally got a
postcard, where with the trembling hand was written "British Airways". Mother quickly found a journal and began to look for what she was affraid about, and then she found British Airways advertisement and read: "Three times a day, seven days a week, in both ends!"
One morning a conservative business man came to work wearing an earring in one ear. His shocked employees were teasing him and one of them asked:
"When did you start wearing an earring?"
"Since my wife found this one in my car," the man replied.
A cowboy caught by the Indians
A cowboy was taken prisoner by a bunch of angry Indians. They were all prepared to kill him but their Chief declared that since they were celebrating the Great Spirit, they would grant the cowboy three wishes before he killing him. The cowboy can do nothing, but obey them.
The Chief comes up to him and asks:
- What do you want for your first wish?
- I want talk to my horse, - replies the cowboy.
The Chief allows him to talk to the horse. The cowboy whispers in its ear. The horse neighs, rears back, and takes off at full speed. About an hour later, the horse comes back with a naked lady on its back. Well, the Indians are very impressed, so they let the cowboy use one of their teepees. A little while later, the cowboy stumbles out of the teepee, tucking in his shirt.
The Chief asks him once again:
- What do you want for your second wish?
- I want to talk to my horse, - once again replies the cowboy.
Again, the cowboy whispers in the horse’s ear. The horse neighs, rears back, and takes off at full speed. About an hour later, the horse comes back with another naked lady on its back. Well, the Indians are very impressed indeed. So, once again, they let the cowboy use one of their teepees. The cowboy stumbles out a little while later.
The chief comes up to the cowboy and asks:
- So, what do you want for your last third wish?
- I want to talk to my horse, - for the third time replies the cowboy.
He grabs the horse by the ears and yells at it:
- You stupid animal, I said POSSE, POSSE not PUSSY!!!
in the morning Tom calls to his boss:
- Good morning, boss, unfortunately I'm not coming to work today. I'm really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache, and both my hands and legs hurt, so I'm not coming into work."
The boss replies:
- You know Tom, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife, and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better, and I can go to work. You should try that.
2 hours later Bob calls:
- Boss, I followed your advise, and I feel great! I'll be at work soon. By the way, you got nice house.
Stress
You stop and pick up a hitchhiking girl. Suddenly she loses consciousness and you take her to the hospital. This is stress. In the hospital you are being told that she is pregnant and doctors start congratulating you about the future newborn. You explain that just an hour ago you had met her for the first time in your life, but she starts saying that you are the father. This is big stress. You require a DNR analysis and they make it. Then the doctors tell you silently, that actually you can't be a father since you are genetically sterile. This is a stress, combined with relief. On your way back home you remember, that you have three kids. That's what real stress is.
Blonde in the army
A blonde enlisted in the army, and when she was given her uniform the drill sergeant informed her that although her quaters would be in separate building she would mess with the men.
Only later did she learn that he meant she would eat her meals with them.
A blonde walks into a porno shop
She asks, "How much for the white dildo?"
He answers, "35 bucks"
She: "How much for the black one?"
He: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one."
She: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before." She pays him, and off she goes.
A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black dildo?"
He: "35 bucks"
She: "How much for the white one?"
He: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one."
She: "Hmmm... I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before..." She pays him, and off she goes.
About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?"
He: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black."
She: "Hmmmmm... .how much is that plaid one on the shelf?"
He: "Well, that's a very special dildo... it'll cost you $165."
She: She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before...." She pays him, and off she goes.
Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?"
To which the salesman responded, "I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!"
30th Birthday
It was my 30th birthday and I wasn't feeling too great when I woke up that morning.
I went down to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday" and probably have a present for me.
She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone "Happy Birthday."
I figured, "Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember." The children came down to breakfast and didn't say a word.
When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday."
I felt a little better - at least someone had remembered.
I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it is such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "That's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go.
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go. We went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it is such a beautiful day, we don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment, she smiled at me and said, "If you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable."
Mad at my wife for forgetting about my birthday, not to mention that Janet was quite beautiful, I felt justified in staying. "Sure," I excitedly replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a few minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends.
They were all singing Happy Birthday... and there I sat on the couch... naked.
The Cab Driver And the Nun
A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers: "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds,
"Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be a Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
The nun says, "OK, pull into the next alley." He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child." said the nun, "Why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and a I'm a Baptist."
The nun says, "That's OK, I am on the way to a Halloween party, and my name is Kevin."
:RVD :RVD :RVD
it's two for Tuesday
IRS Agent
The door bell, rings, and a man answers it. Here stands this
plain but well dressed kid, saying, "Trick or Treat!"
The man asks the kids what he's dressed up like for
Halloween. The kid says, "I'm an IRS agent." Then he takes
28% of the man's candy, leaves, and doesn't say Thank You.
A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit. One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home.
When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"I'm the Devil!" she responded.
"Well, come on home with me," he said, "I married your sister!"