TNA iMPACT! Results - March 24, 2011
We start off with a video package recapping last week's interactions between Ken Anderson and Hulk Hogan, which includes about three thousand instances of the word asshole.
Speaking of Anderson, he comes out with Dr Shubert from the University of Wisconsin and reminisces about how he never paid attention in Shubert's class because he was busy planning to screw the girl who sat next to him. He says that Hogan and Bischoff's math isn't up to par, so he brought Dr Shubert out to verify his math: last week he was in a match with one Reefer Van Dam (his words) and they pinned each other at the same time, and two three counts at the same time are equal numbers. Add that to the fact that he never got his rematch for the TNA World Title, and add that to the three count and it makes Anderson wants his freakin' rematch. Shubert agrees that he ought to get his rematch, and Anderson is about to let him go, but then brings him back to talk more about the girl he wanted to nail and that Shubert didn't like him flirting with her because he wanted to nail her, and she told him that Shubert told her that Anderson was gay. Anderson says he loves gay people and he's got no problem with that, but wants to know if Shubert said that. Shubert finally admits he did, and Anderson says it's okay because he's 35 now and it doesn't really matter, but now he wants to act out a fantasy of his own and leave his teacher something to remember him by. He asks Shubert if he knows why he would do that, Shubert says “Because you're an asshole?†and Anderson responds “BINGO!†and gives him the mic check.
Hulk Hogan's music hits and he comes strolling out with Eric Bischoff, and Bischoff says he doesn't know what Hulk sees in Anderson because he's not funny, he doesn't know how to make a point without taking advantage of someone, and he doesn't know why Hulk was trying to make a deal with him and he doesn't think the Network will like what he just did because he's a bad example to everyone. Hogan says that unlike Eric, he really digs what Anderson did out here with the Professor, and he found it really entertaining. Just one problem: Anderson's been running amok lately and breaking some of the rules around here, and Hogan doesn't like it one bit. Hogan tried to help him out last week and offered Anderson the easy way, but Anderson said he had to think about it. Hogan's got something for him to think about, and that's that he won't get a rematch unless he earns it. Hogan says all he's got is a rematch contract signed by Dixie Carter, and that doesn't mean anything and he can use that contract to wipe his whole asshole body with it. Hogan says Anderson's wrestling RVD again tonight, and if he beats him tonight, he'll get his rematch. Anderson says RVD isn't even in his league, and Hogan says we'll find out tonight.
Rob Van Dam's music hits and he comes out to the ring, and we'll find out what he has to say...AFTER THIS!
RVD says that this is wrestling, and when you talk smack about somebody, their music plays and they come out for some smack talk. He asks Anderson if he has any funny words, and Anderson asks if RVD wants to hear it right now, but Anderson says he'll tell him later in the ring since Hogan put them in the ring tonight. Hogan says Anderson better tell him in the ring, otherwise Anderson will be back playing in the sandbox with his perferted professor. RVD tells Hogan he's not sure why he signed with TNA, he was sitting home burnt out on politics until Hogan called him, and he asks if he just brought RVD in to screw him over, and tells Hogan to stop holding him back and let him be the Whole F'n Show.
Sting's music hits and, as Taz put it, the F'n World Champion comes out and makes fun of Hogan and Bischoff for acting like they're all buddy buddy with the Network, but he talked to the Network earlier and they made him the special referee for the Anderson-RVD match we're going to see later. Wait, how could they make that decision before Hogan and Bischoff made the match? Whatever, I'm not asking any more questions.
We take a look back at last week when Bully Ray powerbombed AJ Styles off the stage, causing AJ to suffer a bruised spinal cord with some cervical damage as well.
All right, we're a half hour in, time to go to the ring for our first match!
Mickie James vs Tara
Before the match, Madison Rayne was backstage telling Tara to destroy Mickie James or else. Mickie dragged Tara into the ring and proceeded to beat her silly. Tara fires back with a hard right, but Mickie hits a flapjack and Tara comes back with a kneestrike to the head and the ass shaking standing moonsault for 2. Tara eats elbow on a corner charge, but recovers and gets a powerbomb for 2. Tara goes up top but Mickie crotches her on the top rope, slips on a Frankensteiner attempt, and they duke it out on the top rope until Tara gets a top rope Boston Crab drop into the ring and then hooks it into a conventional crab. Mickie won't tap, and makes the ropes, so Tara waits for her to get up and goes for the Widow's Peak, but Mickie reverses and nails her DDT for the win.
Winner: Mickie James
Madison stands at the top of the ramp shooting angry looks at the ring.
Ken Anderson meets up with Sting backstage and says they don't like each other, but the thing Anderson really doesn't like is Sting riding in and stealing his World Title. Sting says the Network awarded him a title shot, and Anderson asks who at the Network was calling him, and Sting says there's no name behind it, it's just...THE NETWORK. That's ominous.
We go back to last week when the Pope tortured Okato backstage, and then we go backstage to Joe and Okato planning their strategy for Okata's match tonight.
Okato vs The Pope
Okato gets the drop on Pope with a running dropkick and pummels him with kicks and punches and then goes for a missile dropkick, but Pope dodges and Okato crashes hard. Pope gets a running kick to Okato's head then shoves his head under the ring apron and repeatedly drills him with punches and a running kick. Okato finally gets free, so Pope with another running kick to the head, then Pope takes his boot off and smashes Okato in the head with it. Pope pulls his glove off to reveal some bling on his knuckles, and drilles Okato in the face for the DQ.
Winner: Okato by DQ
Pope continues attacking Okato after the match and Jackson James tries to pull Pope off of Okato, so Pope knocks him out and goes back to attacking Okato until Samoa Joe runs out from the back and Pope heads for the hills. Joe yells for a doctor as Pope backs up the aisle looking smug.
We take another look at the video package where Sting talks about how he was only in wrestling for the money, then we see video packages hyping the Jeff Jarrett-Kurt Angle match at Lockdown where Kurt Angle talks about how he's going to get medieval on Jeff Jarrett's ass.
Rob Van Dam visits Hulk Hogan, and Hogan says he's completely right because he's not the same Hogan who asked him to come to TNA, and he's not trying to make excuses, but he's been through a lot over the last year and he wants RVD to know that he's his guy. Hogan doesn't see in Anderson what Bischoff does, and now's his time because if Hogan had his way, he'd already be the guy, and he'll be pulling for RVD tonight and that he's in his corner. RVD walks out the door and as soon as he's gone, Hogan does an evil smile and laugh and goes “HA HA HA, what an idiot!†Yes, because Shredder is apparently running TNA now.
Back out to the Impact Zone, as Ric Flair is accompanied to the ring by Matt Hardy and Bully Ray. Flair says he usually likes to come out and steal the show, but tonight he's going to pass the microphone to two of the greatest tag team wrestlers of all time, and he tells us to learn to love it because it's the best thing going today, woo. Hardy says it's a tragedy to see four talented guys like Fortune that one time he and Bubba went down because it's a collision course of destruction. The two of them changed the course of the business 12 years ago and all they had to do was walk down the road of success and become celebrities and millionaires, but it was only a figment of their imagination because the people above them shook their hands and smiled to their faces, but held a knife and stabbed them in the back. Now he and Bubba are the ones with the knives, but they'll stab them in the front, cut their legs out, and make sure they don't achieve their hopes and aspirations. Bubba says that what he really wants to know is if AJ Styles is here, and of course he's not because last week, he sent AJ a message, powerbombed him through the table to the concrete, and he did it because he can. He's been walking around with a chip on his shoulder for 20 years, and nobody's knocked it off yet because everyone's scared of him. He's going to give Fortune an offer they can't refuse: the four of them against the three of Fortune at Lockdown, and now let's see if they have the balls to answer the challenge.
What's left of Fortune rushes the ring and attacks Flair, Hardy and Bubba. Everyone else spills out to the floor while Roode beats Flair up in the ring. Roode chops the crap out of Flair in the corner, Flair does the Flop, and Beer Money goes for the DWI on Flair, but the lights go down and Abyss runs out of the crowd and lays Beer Money out. Kazarian has a go at him, but Abyss hits the Black Hole Slam and his music plays, so I guess that means Immortal won the fight. They continue beating Fortune down as we go to commercial.
Abyss is backstage and says that Fortune thought they could put him out by burying Janice in his back, but what doesn't kill Abyss makes him stronger. There's no monsters in Fortune's closet or under their bed, this monster is in their face and he's coming to get them.
Hernandez comes out to the ring with Rosita and Sarita, and also introduces his new cohort...and I couldn't make out his name, but Hernandez says he's the newest citizen of their Mexican America. Hernenadez says they're taking over their jobs, their women, and their money, and they're doing it because they're the superior race. Rosita says something in Spanish that I don't understand, and Hernandez says they can build all the fences they want because they're not keeping them out. Sarita says something in Spanish too, and Hernandez says that soon everyone will stop worshiping this (indicating the American flag hanging from the ceiling) and we'll soon start worshiping this (a huge Mexican flag rolls down from the ceiling). Hernandez tells Matt Morgan that he and his homeboy challenged him to a streetfight, Mexican style. The other guy asks Morgan if he's going to accept his challenge or what. Morgan comes out and he's got Brother Devon with him. Devon says that the two of them accept the challenge, and they rush the ring. Hey, wouldn't you know it but there's a referee already in the ring!
Matt Morgan & Brother Devon vs Hernandez & Anarchia
Devon goes after the other guy (whose name I just figured out) and tosses him to the floor while Morgan catches Hernandez on a crossbody and hits a fallaway slam, then takes him to the corner for the rapid fire elbows. Morgan clotheslines Hernandez to the floor and goes after him, but Sarita and Rosita get all up in Morgan and Devon's faces, so Velvet Sky comes out and goes after the girls...and gets her ass kicked. Literally, Sarita kicked her in the ass while she was down on the ground. Angelina Love walks out to the top of the ramp and slowly comes down, but Winter comes out and yells at Angelina to come back to her. Angelina, apparently hypnotized, walks back up the ramp, stares at Winter, and returns to the back. The fight continues, and Devon gets a flying shoulder tackle to Anarchia, but Anarchia punches him in the back of the head and apparently knocks Devon out and pins him.
Winners: Hernandez & Anarchia
After the commercial, it's time for our next match...
Ink, Inc vs Scott Steiner & Crimson
Jesse and Steiner tie up and Steiner just punches him in the face and then unloads on him in the corner while yelling at him to get up. Steiner with an overhead belly to belly suplex, then kicks him in the ribs. Crimson tags in and they put Jesse down with a double shoulderblock, then Crimson hits a Falcon Arrow for 2. Crimson gets a big boot and Neal finally tags out, but now Crimson starts kicking Shannon's ass. Shannon tries a charge into the corner, but Crimson catches him in midair and just tosses him. Moore hits a moonsault to wipe Crimson out and went for the tag, but Jesse was still down on the floor, so Moore goes for a second rope crossbody, but Crimson catches him and hits the Red Alert for the win.
Winners: Scott Steiner & Crimson
Jesse gets back in the ring and shakes their hands after the match while Shannon grabs Steiner's head chain thing, wipes his butt with it, then throws it at Steiner. Steiner goes after him and says a bunch of things that get bleeped out while Shannon and Jesse argue again.
It's main event time...
Rob Van Dam vs Ken Anderson
Now don't forget, Sting is our special ringside enforcer referee! And like all referees, he gets a full entrance with music and light show. Bell rings, and they tie up and do some basic feeling out stuff until RVD leapfrogs Anderson and spinkicks him in the corner, then hits a springboard jumpkick and a standing moonsault for 2. RVD with a spinning legdrop and they blow the Rolling Thunder spot, so RVD goes for the rolling monkey flip and Anderson escapes that as well and hits a swinging neckbreaker for 2. Anderson with a neckbreaker across the knee, but RVD starts firing back so Anderson gets a knee to the midsection and rams RVD hard into the corner and covers for 2. RVD fights out of a chinlock and Anderson goes for a clothesline, but RVD ducks and Anderson wipes the ref out. Sting slides in and counts 2 on an RVD cover, but then Anderson gets a Finlay Roll and Sting again counts 2. RVD kicks Anderson in the face and starts running him over with clotheslines and hits another kick to the jaw and the split-legged moonsault for 2. RVD goes for Rolling Thunder again and Anderson rolls to the outside to avoid it, so RVD hits a dive over the top to the floor. They fight it out on the floor and Anderson slides a chair into the ring, then kicks RVD in the nuts when Sting turns around to get rid of it. Anderson follows that up by hitting the Mic Check into the ringpost and tells Sting to count. Sting refuses to count, so Anderson nails him and they go punch for punch. Sting wins that exchange and the bell rings. Wait, who called for that?
No idea what the decision is.
Sting turns his back on Anderson for some reason, so Anderson nails him from behind and they fight out to the floor and go toe to toe until the Snow-Kenney Collective comes out to break them up. They separate Anderson and Sting, but Anderson gets free and goes after Sting, and we're at commercial.
Okay, we're back and we take a look at what just happened with the crappy finish to that match. Mike Tenay and Taz debate it, then we get backstage reactions from everybody involved. RVD is angry and apparently concussed because he's dizzy and says all kinds of crazy things, and didn't remember what happened out there even when the Mystery Cameraman tries to remind him. Anderson is mad because he got DQ'd and wants to know why Sting is afraid of him. Sting doesn't know who rung the bell because it wasn't him, and says Anderson can have a piece of him if he wants it. Anderson gets in his face and Sting pleads his case...then punches Anderson and a brawl breaks out. The Snow-Kenney Collective rushes in to break it up and they yell at each other. Yep, because we needed to come back after the commercial to see this. Ye gads.
